Hurting and Hating
by KodiakWolfe13
Summary: When Jason finds about the new Robin, he comes face-to-face with the truth that had already been sneaking up on him. Robin was expendable. Robin was nothing more than a soldier. Robin didn't mean a damn thing and never had. Jason hadn't meant anything either. He was just a replacement, just like Timothy Drake. (Takes place during Batman/Red Hood: The Lost Days.)(One-shot.)
**Disclaimer: Don't own nothing, though my friend lied to her eye-doctor and said I was married to Jason. So I am fake-married to him.**

* * *

Jason blankly stared at the photos on the wall, feeling a mix of emotions but not knowing a single thing to do to sort them out. Emotions had never been his strong suit, and the fact remained that he liked to shove them aside to deal with later. Unfortunately for the young man, there was nothing to be done tonight, no criminals that he knew of that needed to be dealt with. Thus, later proved to be now, no matter how much Jason would've loved to go off and find something else to deal with. Other people's problems, he found, were much easier to work with than his own.

So here he sat on the side of a cot, staring at a blank wall dotted with few photos. The room about him was bare and neat, giving Jason nothing else to distract himself. Raw emotion was closing up his windpipes, closing off his breathing and causing him to struggle for control. Jason refused to let it get out of hand, though. He wasn't going to be a whiny little crybaby.

(However, it was to be expected that one day Jason's dams would break, and everything inside him would flood over him and whoever else was near him when that happened. Jason prayed that day wouldn't come anytime soon, and the dumping of anger issues wouldn't be placed on certain people's shoulders. After all, they didn't need to know how terrible coming back from the dead was, among many other issues that all started with the whole revival thing. And people thought coming back from the golden gates of Heaven was a blessing…)

With a deep breath and a clenched jaw, Jason focused on Batman's new little Robin, trying not to erupt in a dangerous mix of anger, hate, and total hopelessness.

The suit was newer and upgraded, looking much nicer than the old suits. This Robin smiled like Dick used to, way back when; this Robin didn't smirk deviously like Jason used to. The black hair was the same as the last two Robins, though, and Jason was almost willing to bet that a pair of blue eyes was hiding behind the domino mask. From Jason's analysis, it looked like the boy was much more agile than Jason had been and still was. The boy didn't seem very strong but give a few months of weight training, and the kid would be a beast in a small package. It was obvious from the picture that he and the Dark Knight were working well together, reading each other just as Jason and the other Robin had done. The similarities were hard to miss and were practically unmistakable.

With this new knowledge, any lies surrounding the young man's old job vanished, though they'd been slowly deconstructing for awhile now. There was no mistaking the situation for what it truly was anymore, leaving Jason feeling betrayed and hurt.

When he'd been first offered the title of Robin all those years ago, Jason had been ecstatic. He didn't know why the former Robin had flown the coop so early on in his life, and frankly, he hadn't really cared. Jason was just glad that someone out there thought he could do something meaningful with his life. And for that person to be Bruce Wayne, aka Batman? Life just didn't get any better than that, folks! Sure, Jason had still been angry- it's not like his issues had been easy ones to deal with as a kid –but for the first time in his life, Jason had also been genuinely happy. He had felt loved. He had felt _special_ to someone.

Then, is his typical fashion, Jason had gone and screwed that up.

Jason felt special no longer. He didn't feel loved. He was far from happy, and the man was sure he'd never be again. After all, as soon as he came back, Jason had quickly been alerted to the fact that he'd never truly been special to Bruce at all. Yes, he had been loved, just the tiniest bit. Bruce wouldn't have stayed home with him when he was sick or picked him up from school some days if he hadn't loved Jason even a little. But that didn't mean Jason had meant something to Bruce. In fact, it didn't seem like Jason had meant a single thing. If he had, the pile of death-worshipping garbage that had killed him would've been nothing but a smear on the face of the earth by now. Hell, Jason would've simply been happy with the Joker never escaping Arkham again. Unfortunately, Batman couldn't spare anything from his limitless amount of cash to halt Arkham's revolving door. After all, that would surely hinder the Dark Knight's business quite a bit.

To make matters worse, that wasn't even the worst offense yet. Not only had Bruce not figured out a way to stop Joker for good, but he'd gone and replaced Jason too, which was the straw that broke the camel's back. After all, it wasn't the simple fact that he'd been replaced that hurt the most. It was never that easy, of course. What stung the worst were the glaring truths that came with it.

When Jason had become Robin, he hadn't questioned his place in the role. He never felt like he was second best to Dick, despite being the second person to wear the title. Jason had always just assumed that Bruce gave the role to special people who deserved it. At least, that's what he told himself, at the time. Jason just didn't want to come face-to-face with the truth that always glared at him whenever Dick came around to fight about God knew what with Bruce. But now Timothy Drake had the mantle, it was obvious…

Robin was _expendable_. Robin was _nothing more than a soldier_. Robin _didn't mean a damn thing_ and never had. Jason had been nothing more than a replacement for the golden boy, Dick Grayson, just like this kid was nothing more than a replacement for him… And everyone knew the saying. The first time is an accident. The second is a coincidence, but the third time means your former boss is looking for ebony-haired, blue-eyed children to put on the payroll.

Jason felt as if he should hate Timothy for taking the mantle, but he just couldn't muster up the feeling for the younger boy. He knew as much as Jason did when he signed up for the title, which was _absolutely nothing_ , and there was a small part of the man that hoped to see the boy live through the first few years. Thus far, it seemed like he would, but that truth made Jason feel even farther away from the Robin title than he had before. After all, just look at the differences between the first and third Robin compared to the second.

Dick and Tim were rule-followers. Jason was a ruler-breaker.

Dick and Tim were Bruce's little successes. Jason was his biggest failure.

Dick and Tim were perfect little soldiers. Jason was a kid with sharp edges who just happened to be good with his fists.

Dick and Tim were objects to be worshipped and imitated. Jason was an example of what not to be.

Dick and Tim were Perfect. Jason was not…

For that, the young man felt ashamed to ever have worn the title. Jason wished that Dick, the male that Jason had semi-adored as a young boy but had never been able to live up to, had talked some sense into Bruce when he'd been taken in and casted him out from the Manor. Living on the streets was a much easier fate to deal with than this resurrection bullshit. Jason didn't see how so many other superheroes had come back and reverted back to their old personalities with the ease of a bird taking flight. How could they be fine when Jason had never felt so incomplete and lost in his life?

Not for the first time, Jason wished he had Bruce to help guide him. Despite all the grief the man brought and despite the fact Jason really did hate him, he also still loved him with an aching passion. The Lazarus Pit hadn't wiped his memories; he still remembered all the good times he and the man had had back in the day, all the crude jokes and small moments. They hadn't all been lies, Jason realized, but that realization made him hurt all the worse, and then Jason came back to hating Bruce.

Placing one hand against the wall beside Timothy Drake's grinning picture, Jason hid his eyes behind his free hand. The man choked on a sob in a feeble attempt to keep his emotions locked inside of himself. It was a fruitless attempt, but then, Jason was good failing, it seemed.

All these feelings and thoughts simmered, and Jason's mood dropped further and further off the cliff he'd come to stand by. Soon enough, the man was outright sobbing, in desperate need of help as he drowned in his sorrows and despairs. Unfortunately, there was no one in the world that would come and save him. Thus, Jason got farther and farther from the truths he was unaware of, his assumptions branding into his mind so he would always doubt, always believe that there was no possible way for the man Jason had once thought of a father to ever love him again.

The man was a stone-cold, heartless _bastard_ , Jason decided, rivers running down his face and eroding whatever was left of his soul. However, this truth hurt too much. It was easier to love Bruce but stay mad at him and hurt from that. It was easier to think Robin had meant something and hurt from that. It was easier to hate the new kid for taking Jason's place and hurt from that. Damn the real truths. In the end, all Jason wanted was to feel better again, even though he'd probably never feel OK again.

But it was easier to believe that there might be a chance for him somewhere and hurt from that.

As the fat tears continued to roll down his cheeks, Jason geared up with shaky breaths. He gathered up his weapons-of-choice, strapping them to his person much tighter than he probably needed them to be, and then began exiting the cheap motel room. Fortunately, it was late at night, and there was no one to see how utterly hopeless and upset the man was as he dished out justice in the only way he knew how to anymore.

As Jason searched the streets for criminals, he wished he had stayed dead, not for the first time.

* * *

 **So, I was thinking about Jason's reasons for hating Robin and such, and I've always thought they were weak excuses. Thus, this came to be... I mean, it makes sense (I hope), especially if Jason is still in the dark about what went down with Tim. When you look at the Bat-Fam from a distance, it really does look like Bruce is simply going through child soldiers, "keeping" the perfect ones and forgetting the ones who failed. If you don't know the details, Bruce really does look even more like the stone-cold, heartless bastard he borderline is. Not to mention that I think Jason's never really had a good self-image; this would just be another blow to an already beaten and battered pride. It's really kind of gut-wrenching to think about, especially since I personally believe that Jason feels too much to the point he ends up suppressing his emotions until it all finally becomes too much and breaks loose, like the final battle in Batman: Under the Red Hood.  
**

 **As for the "if this is even true, why doesn't Jason come out and say all this crap to Bruce?" ...when you find a Bat-Fam member that states what they mean instead of talking in half-truths and riddles, please let me know. XD  
**

 **So...yeah. Have a good day.**


End file.
